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Thursday, September 24, 2020

Need a hammer?


 In keeping with the tool theme, I thought I would repost the following.  I go back and read it every so often and still think it funny and appropriate.

Also, this is a sample of what is in the store that had the metal cacti out front a couple posts ago.  That store has a little bit of everything.  Mostly old, antiques.  I have never got to go in and look all I want to.

Tools and their use:

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.



WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ' Oh sh--.... '



ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.



SKILL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



WELDING GLOVES:

Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.



OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.



TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.



EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:

Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.



E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.



BAND SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.



CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.



AVIATION METAL SNIPS:

See hacksaw.



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.



PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.



HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.



HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.



MECHANIC ' S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ' DAMMIT ' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

20 comments:

Ginny Hartzler said...

I read each and every one. Hilarious! I can't wait to read them to Phil. Thanks!

Bill said...

Lots of laughs! Thanks. I needed every one of those laughs.

Yamini MacLean said...

Hari OM
LOL =- I read this out loud to my dad, who has most of these tools in his garage; we cackled together! YAM xx

At Home In New Zealand said...

LOL so funny! My husband would have loved those descriptions :))

Ann said...

Oh this is funny. Loved it. I knew what a flat head screwdriver was for but this confirmed that I was right. It is for opening paint cans...lol

Francisco Manuel Carrajola Oliveira said...

Interessante.
Um abraço e bom fim-de-semana.

Andarilhar
Dedais de Francisco e Idalisa
O prazer dos livros

John "By Stargoose And Hanglands" said...

Hey, I've got a tool kit that includes many of those implements, though mine have many other unexpected ways to make a simple job into an unsolveable quest.

eileeninmd said...

Hello,

LOL, Funny post. Have a great day and a happy weekend!

Hootin' Anni said...

Too funny!! I'm loving all these.

Martha said...

These are so funny, going to have to show this to my hubby! :D

Nancy Chan said...

Nice read about the tools and their uses. Now I see the tools differently.

Ruthie said...

Very interesting. that last tool is a funny one.

ushasurya said...

Oh my God!! That's some collection!! I am feeling dizzy!!!
Have a safe weekend Rose :))
Devi :))

don said...

WOW

Ruth Hiebert said...

Those are some pretty accurate descriptions ,especially when the tool is in the wrong hands. Like mine.

....peter:) said...

i love the photo with every hammer that one would need to do the job Rose... that was quite the list of tools with ways to use them...
with the right tools you can build anything....peter:)

Michael Rawluk said...

There are some wonderful tools on display.

Kodak said...

This is hilarious and so true.

ElaineH said...

That is quite an array of tools! This is just too funny! I think that my favorite is the very last one! A great image!

harry said...

some juicy grins, but it reads like something cut out of a 1950s Readers' Digest! At least you have illustrated it well.

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